Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
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I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
scared to check what name she chose
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech