Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]