Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
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Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
this is so top tier i cant
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
My Guy
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids: