Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
You Might Also Like
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Finally
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.