ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
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I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.