Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
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I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy