Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
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When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog