Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
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[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.