Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
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Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.