Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
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ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
That eye roll….
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax