me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
You Might Also Like
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Software Development ⛵️
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6