Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”

Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.