me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
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[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
m’lady
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.