me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
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I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Perfect
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.