Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
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I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
cause of death:
autopsy.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
6: are snakes just neck?
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language