me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
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You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*