Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
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coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
“Wait, let me explain..”
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.