Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
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Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught