Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
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[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!