Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
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I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
This rocks
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.