Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
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So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit