Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
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You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
my dog when i have a friend over
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than