Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
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Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
My therapist after every session
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”