Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
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Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
How to find Kentucky on a map
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo