Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.