Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
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Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.