Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
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With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.