*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
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Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Saw online –
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…