Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
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[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Single and childfree like Jesus
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism