@mdob11 Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
@JohnLyonTweets Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
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@mdob11 
@prufrockluvsong Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
@mommywhitfield *Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
@sonictyrant Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
@The1WhosCrazy “MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
@sixfootcandy Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
@robin_991 I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
@david8hughes “Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
@JasonNotEvil Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
@TheBoydP Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.