Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
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Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Aight bet
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.