Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
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imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?