me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
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I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
my one true gender
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators