Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year