me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
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My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I was just discussing this with my cat
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.