Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
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I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
i prefer mine room temperature.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”