*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
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Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
When I laugh on my period
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.