Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
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Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
don’t we all
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??