Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
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COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
More like Kate Missington.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.