me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
You Might Also Like
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.