Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
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Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.