Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
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🤣🤣🤣
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point