ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
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This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
HELP 😭
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I falcon love using swear birds
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”