ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
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Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
This meeting could have been a cake
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]