me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
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You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
HOW DARE YOU
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
accurate
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney