Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
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At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
opening twitter today
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.