me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
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Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
#NoRestForTheWicked
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I’m too immature for adultery.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight