Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
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I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway