Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
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The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.