me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
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Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Mad Max: Furry Road
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.