Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
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I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints