Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
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boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁