Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
You Might Also Like
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener